Game Changer

Something momentous has occurred.  

Until now, I attributed my lack of mobility to my royal status.  It seems appropriate that someone of my sensibilities would be carried around the house in a parent's arms like a princess in a sedan chair.  Yes, this caused some setbacks when it came to speed, exercise, and generally going in the direction I had in mind, but I just chalked all of those up to the sour grapes of a celebrity lifestyle.  But everything has changed.

I can crawl, people.  It may merely be a military slither, and it may be lopsided (I don't like to use my left leg so much), but it's an independent mode of mobility.  After I realized I had it in me all of this time, I must admit that I wondered if perhaps my parents were carrying me around in order to take away my God-given freedom of transport.  A momentary hurricane of fury clouded my judgment, and I may have soiled a brand new diaper in anger, but I am now at peace.  More to the point, I know that with my new superpower, vengeance will be mine any day. 

Lock up the breakables.  Set up a barrier at the top of the stairs.  Hide important paper goods.  Go ahead.  But one of these days, you will slip up, and I'll be right there waiting.

On a lighter note, I am submitting a form to my parents and the condominium Homeowner's Association suggesting some design and structural improvements I think we could make in the interest of baby-friendliness.

Design and Structural Improvements Checklist
Form 123-ABCDEFG
Name: Little A (aka Small Resident)
Date: Today
Pursuant to building code 123, section ABCDEFG, the following improvements are requested at [address of residence].  Urgent attention is sought in this matter, as one Small Resident feels her rights are currently being violated by the grown-ups-only floor plan of the previously referenced condominium.  Video evidence is included with this form to corroborate the aforementioned Small Resident's demands.

Item A: The Staircase 

It is believed that this is a colossal waste of space and simply a barrier to baby-friendly transport.  Small Resident suggests collapsing the staircase and combining the first and second floors of the home or installing a small button-operated lift at the foot of the stairs.

Item B: Tile, Laminate, and Carpeting

Small Resident has noticed chafing of the kneecaps over the past three days.  She proposes replacing all unreasonably hard/rough surfaces with materials better-suited to kneecap travel.  Suggestions include down feather pillows, memory foam, and/or baby bunnies glued together with marshmallow cream.

Item C: Doorways

While Small Resident believes the idea of a doorway is inherently good, current design of all residence doorways make them useless for her daily transit.  Coincidentally, Tiny Furry resident is in agreement.  Apparently, the two Tall Homeowners have been in violation of the Equal Access for Small, Non-Verbal Individuals Act for an egregious length of time.  Immediate action in initiating construction of Digitally Operated Great Gateways for Instant Exit (or D.O.G.G.I.E.) Doors is requested.  

Item D: Coiled Piles of Power Cords

Photo evidence reveals yards of electrical cords in nearly every corner of every room in the residence.  Small Resident commends the easy access to rubber chew hosing.  Says Small Resident, "You guys are doing great here.  Keep up the good work."  No action required.

Item E: Lighting 

While not related to issues of mobility, Small Resident feels it is imperative that overhead lighting in both bedrooms be replaced with a mirrored disco ball that plays "Staying Alive" and turns on automatically at 3:00 AM every day.  This is to ensure she does not miss her wake-up call due to infant sleep disorders such as pleasant dreams, a full belly, general comfort, etc.

Item F: Toilets

While Small Resident has no plans now or in the future of actually sitting on this decorative porcelain chair, she has suggested adding a long hose/Slurpee straw (like the ones on beer guzzler helmets) for easy access to water.

Item G: That Thing that you Dropped on the Floor and Forgot 

Just leave it there.  Small Resident says she has plans for it.

Item H: Counter Tops

Small Resident admits these have always carried an "out of sight out of mind" aspect, but she plans to spend time in the future deciding how that space could be better utilized.  One salient proposal is that there be no counter tops at all, providing easy access for all household goods from the floor.  While consideration for such a large scale renovation is underway, she requests that the Tall Residents at least install one Pedal-Operated Baby Bottle Maker (like a frappuccino maker but for formula) on the kitchen floor.   

Item I: Scout's Food and Water Dishes

Small Resident  and Tiny Furry Resident are in agreement that these are in the best possible location.  Small Resident simply requests that Tall Residents please fill the bowl on the left with something better.  Suggestions include: sweet potato, yogurt, ice cream, or cupcakes.  Tiny Furry Resident agrees and adds "chicken."


Small Resident thanks Tall Homeowners and the Homeowner's Association for their consideration of the above requests.  Inquiries are not necessary because she does not plan to entertain them in the least.  Please do it, and do it now.


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